For goodness knows how many years Brentford fans have been racking their brains trying to find the next Al Fayed lurking in the shadows – one whose ready to throw his millions in our direction to lift us from what seems like decades of depression and put the penny pinching days well and truly behind us forever.
Believe me, these people are few and far between, especially those that have the slightest affiliation with the beloved Bees. To be honest, few and far between is somewhat of an under statement, but like the supporters of the other ninety odd teams that drool over the fortunes of the few, that distant dream doesn't stop us from believing that just one day our numbers will come up!
Recently however, the dream of someone coming to our aid to reinstate us to our glory days, yes I said glory days, hasn't always been our first priority. The days of rekindling former glories such as those when Griffin Park was packed to the rafters to witness us regularly send the likes of Manchester United and Liverpool away with their tails firmly between their legs seems a lifetime away. Forget about fortunes, the past five or six years have just felt like it's been a constant search for someone loyal or simply honest enough with enough penny's in the bank to keep the club's heart ticking over let alone wondering whether it can still run the four minute mile.
You can't help us for believing though that as we were being sent back down to the basement division away at Bristol Rovers in ‘98, the rumours sweeping the terraces that Mr Noades was crossing the T's and dotting the i's, that maybe he could just have been the one to reinstate some of those past glory days back to West London.
So maybe Mr Noades hasn't turned out to be the meal ticket we all believed he'd be. Nobody could blame us for welcoming him with open arms. After all he had a big reputation and an even bigger bank balance, and as said in previous issues, I think anyone bar the Yorkshire Ripper would have looked a brighter option than the Essex wheeler dealer we had in Mr Webb.
Some are even saying that perhaps Mr Webb was a safer option after all – At least he only had the brains to see pound signs in the scrap metal that the turnstiles contained or the lead that lined the roof of the New Road. I dread to think what damage Webby could have actually caused this club if he had the nouse to turn on a computer and count past a dishonest monkey – or are we finally beginning to find out what damage a university degree and a lifetime in the cut and thrust of business can bring?
On the lighter side of things, I've spent many an hour mulling over all the possibilities of those who could bring back some life into this fine club. So which names have been vaguely associated with our red and white stripes in the past that could be convinced to return home as the proverbial knight in shining armour?
Well Rick Wakeman, formerly of pop group Yes, is a name that has been banded about every time the ‘for sale' board goes up outside Griffin Park in recent years. Probably because he once declared his love for Brentford by actually becoming a member of the board back in the seventies, but even Rick's vast fortune has dwindled since that period and even in his heyday I doubt whether he could have even matched what the likes of Al Fayed carry around in spare change!
Even so, I'm sure Rick could have given us plenty to write about in this fanzine if he had have one day taken the chairman's hot seat. To say that his background has been somewhat colourful is an understatement in itself! One things for sure, the bars around the ground would have been well and truly stocked to the hilt.
Unfortunately this avenue has already been well exhausted and closed once and for all. Rick, who is more known for those undesirable antics rather than his music, had a major fall out with the then current Brentford board and vowed never to return to Griffin Park.
Although Mr Wakeman has managed to lay that ghost to rest and has been spotted at Griffin Park for the odd game over the past decade he's now more renowned for wearing the sky blue colours of Manchester City.
So who else is there? Rod Stewart maybe? Now that man has got a few quid to his name and could certainly bring a bit of much needed glamour to the directors seats, and despite his strong Scottish accent, spent a good few years being brought up around the place, Isleworth I believe. As we are all aware, Rod signed for Brentford as a player in some capacity but failed to make any impact for the Bees, mainly because he was more interested in his music than donning a pair of football boots, and I'm certainly not the one to accuse him of making a wrong career decision – after all, what would you rather do? play in front of three thousand at Gresty Road or eighty thousand at Wembley Stadium? But yet again, despite a strong link with The Bees, one thinks that that's where the affiliation comes to an abrupt end. I can certainly never recall Rod expressing any other affection towards Brentford in his mass of television interviews over the years – Maybe that brief encounter with us was enough for Rod and finally made up his mind that his heart was in his guitar instead of the red and white stripes of our beloved Brentford. Combine that with the fact he's only able to spend a limited time on the island due to tax reasons, this looks like another solid brick wall.
Alright we're getting a bit desperate now. Maybe we'll have to scrap the affiliation with Brentford bit and try to convince someone to adopt us as their new found love.
Some, including Thorne In The Side, have tried to tap up none other than Mr Richard Branson as another future owner. After all surely he thinks Al Fayed's a complete tosser and would relish the challenge to pitch his wits and go head to head against one of his most venomous business associates wouldn't he? He could also keep an eye on his assets from high up on the Heathrow flight path as he jets around the world signing the likes of Scvchenko and Totti. Having said that, if the only credentials to buying Brentford was that they had to harbour thoughts that Al Fayed was a complete tosser, then we may well have the Queen parking her arse in the directors box – Has anyone tried to tap the fine lady up yet? Or even the Queen Mum? You'd better be bloody quick though!
Unfortunately Mr Branson's manager has responded to TITS saying that although Richard appreciated our interest, the Virgin boss wasn't aiming to move his business interests onto the football conveyer-belt.
One thinks that the only chance of having a piece of England's finest entrepreneur visit the hallowed turf of GP is if he manages to drop a turd from high up above, but I suppose it was worth a go!!
But don't despair, TITS have come up with what we feel is a perfect candidate to replace Mr Noades when and if he decides to hang up those bloody furry boots of his.
We thought It would only be right to swap like for like on this one though. After all, Brentford fans wouldn't know how to handle a successful man who was prepared to shower us with the worlds finest players with no strings attached would we? Who really wants to see a side pushing towards the Premiership with the club being successfully run in a professional manner and constantly in the black with the bank manager? – After all, we only come to Brentford to moan anyway don't we?
After having the likes of David Webb in charge, followed by Mr Noades, surely we might as well make it hat-trick and go for another man surrounded in controversy. Believe it or not, this man is hated by the vast majority of the country, is in charge of an ever increasing debt and is even used to being on the end of a torrent of abuse on a daily basis as he travels to his place of work – Sounds great!
The only thing that our new man doesn't appear to have in common with the likes of Webb and Noades is that this man absolutely loves Brentford Football Club – Surely that blows it doesn't it?
So who is this mystery man? Well I'll give you a few clues. Firstly he is probably one of Staines' most successful residents, and no it's not bloody Ali G!
Although you don't know it, you've probably cursed and called for this mans head as you've spent countless hours stuck on a crowded platform as yet another train is cancelled without prior notice – Or maybe you're subconsciously getting yourself in training for the day he takes over this club?
Any other clues? Well he currently holds not only one of the countries top posts but the most difficult job in Britain and can regularly be found explaining his companies frailties to none other than the occupants of Ten Downing Street.
The name Steve Marshall may mean absolutely nothing to you, but if I mention that he's the newly appointed Chief of Railtrack, anyone who keeps even the faintest of ears to the media will know exactly who he is. Not only is Mr Marshall a lifelong Bees supporter (born and breed in Isleworth) who regularly makes the pilgrimage to Griffin Park during the season, his grandfather and Uncle both played for the Bees. Now that's what I call a strong connection!
And even better, our newly discovered Bees fan has a few quid in his pocket. Steve Marshall currently earns a massive four hundred thousand pounds per annum, and that's not including bonuses. I was going to add that I doubt Mr Marshall has received any bonuses since his appointment, but as I write, hearing that Gerry Corbett has just been given near on a million pound hand shake in the midst of the Hatfield disaster, who knows what our new found Brentford die hard takes home in his pay packet – Ok, so he might not be in the Al Fayed league but beggars can't be choosers can they?
Mr Marshall's credentials for taking over the Brentford hot seat are also absolutely remarkable and would make Ron Noades' last six months look like some what of a cake walk.
Since his high profile appointment, he claims that being booed on the platform of Staines station as he waits for the more often than not delayed morning train to Waterloo is an extremely regular occurrence. Something that's all part of the job Steve claims. And If getting abused during the working day isn't bad enough, Mr Marshall also says that he's even had bread rolls thrown at him whilst trying to relax in his favourite local restaurant with his wife – And you thought you had it tough Mr Noades!
More worrying though is the fact that he's just recently announced the companies first trading loss, a massive £534million, since it's privatisation – Are you sure you're not Uncle Ron in disguise?
It did have me wondering though what the club would be like under Steve Marshall's guidance.
On the positive side, maybe he could arrange to get back the famous old ‘British Rail Specials' to ferry us around to those all important away matches like in the olden days? – I promise not to throw any more cushions out the window!
But on the negative side, how often do you think that the games would be delayed or even cancelled without notice? Reasons? Wrong type of snow perhaps, leaves on the line? (Goal-line that is) and you could no doubt expect season tickets to rocket on the back of below par performances.
However, although we at TITS maybe are having a tongue in cheek go at Brentford's newly found millionaire, his recent interview in The Sun newspaper totally blows his chances of ever rivalling that of Ron Noades' reign.
Among his top ten tips of making a successful business are 1) Listen to what colleagues and customers say about the job you do. 2) Focus on customers. Give them the package they require 3)How you react to bad news is crucial. If you are to blame, accept it and start to put the problem right, and finally..... Try not to lose your sense of humour.
Sorry Steve, you've badly let yourself down there mate, you'd never fit into the Brentford hierarchy with that sort of forward thinking.
And we at TITS thought you had all the credentials to replace the grumpy Uncle!
Seriously though Mr Marshall, we won't ruin your much deserved weekly visits to Griffin Park by publishing your photo in the fanzine. After all, I don't think you need a dozen blokes pointing their fingers in your direction because the 1.52 into Wigan central was cancelled last Saturday due to the guard not turning up.
However, if you see a man coming into the ground ten minutes after kick off, it could well be Mr Marshall, and the chances are he came by train!
Sod it, another candidate out of the running. We're getting well and truly desperate now. Anybody tried talking to Dean Gafney? Thought not. What about Bradley Walsh or the geezer that nobody's heard of out of Status Quo – No offence Rhino!
Hang on a minute, I've just got a reply back from the Sultan Of Brunei. I'll let you know his response!!!
Hollywood Here We Come...
Surprise surprise. The speculation that Vinnie Jones was to buy out Ron Noades and take over the helm at Griffin Park all came to nothing then. So what exactly was Vinnie doing down in West London towards the back end of last season?
Well it turns out that the football turned Hollywood hard-man was recruiting some of his old pals for his latest film, which he's working on alongside award winning director Guy Ritchie, in a remake of the 60's cult movie ‘Mean Machine'.
Vinnie was asked by Madonna's husband if he knew any candidates to play East End types in his latest blockbuster, and the former Wimbledon ace immediately flew into England to recruit none other than Brentford's Wally Downes and goalkeeping coach Jim Stannard.
Stannard, for so many years the enemy of the Brentford faithful due to his alliance with rivals Fulham, has been asked to play a nasty prison guard that will find himself taking on inmates in a brutal football match scene.
Thorne In The Side have no doubts that the fat bastard will flourish in his new hard man role but we just hope that he doesn't unwittingly discover that Vinnie has recruited another Bees favourite as an extra in the film, and find's Gary Blissett slopping out on his wing one morning. As we all know Jim, you may look like a heavy weight champion of the world, but just the sight of Blissett makes you macaroni your panties and ends up with you flat out on your back and crying like a pussy. Sorry mate, no red cards in the slammer to dig you out of trouble!
Jim, who is set to fly out sometime this year with Wally, to star in the film, admitted “ I can't wait for this, but I must admit I've never acted before”
Could have fooled me ‘large fella' – That dive you took that day could have earnt you a place on Broadway. And what about all those years you were a laughing stock at Craven Cottage? You mean you were seriously trying to be a goalie?
Best of luck lads, I've heard the on-set food is terrific – YOU FAT BASTARDS!